Let me help you find the perfect state to retire in.
You can retire to Phoenix, Arizona where...
- You are willing to park three blocks away from your house because you found shade.
- You've experienced condensation on your behind from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
- You can drive for four hours in one direction and never leave town.
- You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
- You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.
- The four seasons are tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??
OR, you can retire to California where...
- You make over $450,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
- The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
- You know how to eat an artichoke.
- You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
- When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.
- The four seasons are fire, flood, mud, and drought.
OR, you can retire to New York City where...
- You say, "the city," and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
- You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
- You think Central Park is "nature".
- You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
- You've worn out a car horn. (IF, you have a car).
- You think eye contact is an act of aggression.
OR, you can retire to Minnesota where...
- You only have three spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup.
- Halloween costumes have to fit over parkas.
- You have seventeen recipes for casserole.
- Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
- The four seasons are almost winter, winter, still winter, and road repair.
- The highest level of criticism is, "He is different, she is different or, it was different!"
OR, you can retire to the Deep South where...
- You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
- "Y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.
- "He needed killin'," is a valid defense.
- Everyone has two first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Joe Bob, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc. etc.
- Everywhere is either "in yonder", "over yonder", or "out yonder".
OR, you can retire to Colorado where...
- You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
- You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and he stops at the day care center.
- A pass does not involve a football or dating.
- The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.
OR, you can retire to Nebraska where...
- You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
- Your idea of a traffic jam is three cars waiting to pass a tractor.
- You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
- You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"
OR, FINALLY, you can retire to Florida where...
- You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
- All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.
- Everyone can recommend an excellent cardiologist, dermatologist, proctologist, podiatrist, or orthopedist.
- Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
- Cars in front of you often appear to be driven by headless people.