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Fun & Witty Stuff

Answers to riddles on 7/1/13 post:
   "t-h-a-t"
   "language" ("the English Language")



The richest person is not the one who has the most,
but the one who needs the least.
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A foursome of golfers, all in their 40's, discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally, it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters, because the waitresses were young, good-looking, had big hooters and wore short-shorts.

Ten year later, at age 50, the golfing buddies once again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally, it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters, because the food and service were good, they had many televisions to watch the games on and the beer selection was extensive.

Ten years later, at age 60, the foursome again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally, it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters, because there was plenty of parking, they could dine in peace and it was a good value for the money.

Ten years later, at age 70, they discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally, it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters, because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and had a toilet for the disabled.

Ten years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally, it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters, because they had never been there before.
______________________

Don't worry about old age--it doesn't last that long.

Growing older is mandatory:
Growing up is optional.
______________________

How Children Perceive Their Grandparents

1.  She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter, as she'd done many times before.  After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, "But Grandma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!" I will probably never put lipstick on again without thinking about kissing the toilet paper good-bye.

2.  My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday.  He asked me how old I was, and I told him, 80. My grandson was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, "Did you start at ONE?"

3.  After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old whisper with a trembling voice, "Who was THAT?"

4.  A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like. "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods." The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"

5.  My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo and I said, "No, how are we alike?'' "You're both old," he replied.

6.  A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's word processor.  She told him she was writing a story. "What's it about?" he asked. "I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."

7.  I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me and was always correct. It was fun for me, so I continued. At last, she headed for the door, saying, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these colors yourself!"

8.  When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use Grandpa. Now the mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights."

9.  When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm not sure." "Look in your underwear, Grandpa," he advised "Mine says I'm 4 to 6."

10.  A second-grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, "Grandma, guess what?  We learned how to make babies today." The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's interesting," she said. "How do you make babies?" 
"It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'."

11.  Children's Logic: "Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher.  The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant." The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked. "Sure," said the young boy confidently. "It means carrying a child."

12.  A grandfather was delivering his grandchildren to their home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog.  The children started discussing the dog's duties. "They use him to keep crowds back," said one child. "No," said another. "He's just for good luck.." A third child brought the argument to a close."They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrants."

13.  A six-year-old was asked where his grandma lived. "Oh," he said, "she lives at the airport, and when we want her, we just go get her. Then, when we're done having her visit, we take her back to the airport."

14.  Grandpa is the smartest man on earth!  He teaches me good things, but I don't get to see him enough to get as smart as him!

15.  My Grandparents are funny, when they bend over, you hear gas leaks and they blame their dog.


_______________________

Laughing at yourself is therapeutic!
Recently, I was diagnosed with A. A. A. D. D.
~Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder~

This is how it manifests:
  • I decide to wash my car.
  • As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the hall table. I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.
  • I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the trash can under the table, and notice that the trash can is full.
  • Hence, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the trash first.
  • Then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the trash anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.
  • I take my checkbook off the table, and see that there is only one check left.
  • My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go to my desk where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking.
  • I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over.
  • I see that the Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.
  • As I head toward the kitchen with the coke a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye. They need to be watered.
  • I set the Coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.
  • I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.
  • I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table.
  • I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs...but first I'll water the flowers.
  • I splash some water on the flowers, but most of it spills on the floor.
  • So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.
  • Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.
  • At the end of the day the car isn't washed, the bills aren't paid, there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter, the flowers aren't watered, there is still only one check in my checkbook, I can't find the remote, I can't find my glasses, and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
  • Then when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired.
  • I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.



   Little Tommy had been to a birthday party at a friend's house. Knowing how his sweet tooth was, Tommy's mother looked straight into his eyes and said, "I hope you didn't ask for a second piece of cake." 
   "No, but I asked Mrs. Smith for the recipe so you could make some like it, and she gave me two more pieces without my asking." 
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|  EJ's Cute Truck ||l ""|""\__,_
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   A Redneck from Tennessee walked into a bank in New York City and asked for a loan officer. He told the loan officer he was going to Bakersfield on business for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000, but he was not a depositor of the bank. The bank officer told him the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so the Redneck handed over the keys to a new Ferrari, which was parked on the street in front of the bank. He produced the title and other paperwork, and everything checked out. The banker agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge 12% interest.
   Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the Redneck from the south for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage and parked it.
   Two weeks later the Redneck returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest of $23.07.
   "Sir," he was  told, "we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out nicely, but we are a little curious. While you were away, we checked you out and found you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why you would bother to borrow $5,000?"
   With a twinkle in his eye, the wealthy Redneck replied, "Where else in New York City, can I park my car for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to still be there when I return?"

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Check for your driver's license. Now you can see anyone's driver's license on the Internet, including your own!I just searched for mine and there it was ... picture and all!

Thanks Homeland Security Privacy ... Where is our right to it? I definitely removed mine, and suggest you all do the same.

Go to the website and check it out. Just enter your name, city and state, to see if yours is on file. After your license comes on the screen, click the box marked "Please Remove". This will remove it from public viewing, but not from law enforcement officials.

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A good reason for not teaching fantasy to your children for truth:
     Two  boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong preaching on the devil.
     One said to the other, "What  do you think about all this Satan stuff?"
     The other boy  replied, "Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. It's probably just your Dad."

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 (>' ; '<) 
        ((")(") )~~~~

  Sitting behind a couple of nuns at a baseball game (whose habits partially blocked the view), three men decided to badger the nuns in an effort to get them to move.
   With a very loud voice, the first guy stated, "I think I'm going to move to Utah. There are only one hundred nuns living there."
   The second fellow spoke up and said, "I want to go to Montana. There are only fifty nuns living there."
   The third man chimed in with, "I want to go to Idaho. There are only twenty-five nuns living there."
   One of the nuns turned around, looked at the men, and in a very sweet, calm, voice, said, "Why don't you go to hell? There aren't any nuns there."

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      A little girl walked to-and-from school daily. Though the weather that morning was questionable and clouds were forming, she made her daily trek to the elementary school. As the afternoon progressed, the winds whipped up, along with thunder and lightning. The mother of the little girl felt concerned that her daughter would be frightened as she walked home from school, and she herself feared that the electrical storm might harm her child.
     Full of concern, the mother quickly got into her car and drove along the route to her child's school. As she did so, she saw her little girl walking along, but at each flash of lightning, the child would stop, look up and smile. Another and another were to follow quickly and with each the little girl would look at the streak of light and smile.
     When the mother's car drew up beside the child she lowered the window and called to her, "What are you doing? Why do you keep stopping?"
     The child answered, "I am trying to look pretty. God keeps taking my picture."

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   A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre. After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings and made it safely to his van. However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas.
   When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied, "Monsieur, that is the reason I stole the paintings. I ad no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh." (...and you thought I didn't have De Gaulle to share this with you. Well, I figured I had nothing Toulouse!)

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Three Texans were talking:
   "My name is Roger," the first Texan boasted. "I own 250,000 acres, I have 1,000 head of cattle and they call my place 'The Jolly Roger'."
   The second Texan chimed in, "My name is John, I own 350,000 acres, I have 5,000 head of cattle and they call my place 'Big John's'."
   They both looked over at the third man, who also happened to be Jewish, as he quietly said, "My name is Irving and I own three hundred acres."
   "Three hundred acres?" Roger sneered. "What do you raise?"
   "Nothing," Irving told him.
   "Well, then, what do you call your place?" asked John.
   "Downtown Dallas."
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   A boy asked a girl in a library, “Do you mind if I sit beside you?"
   The girl answered with a loud voice, "I don't want to spend the night with you!!!All the students in the library started staring at the guy and he was embarrassed.
   After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy’s table and began to explain, “I study psychology and I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed right?”
   The guy responded with as equally a loud voice as she had used earlier, "Two hundred dollars just for one night!? That's too much!!!" and all the people in the library looked at the girl with shocked disdain.
   The guy leaned over and whispered his explanation in her ear, “I study Law and I know how to make someone feel guilty!" 




   A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by. He got into the taxi, and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."
   Passenger: Who?
   Cabbie: Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.
   Passenger: There are always a few clouds over everybody.
   Cabbie: Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star, and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.
   Passenger: Sounds like he was something really special.
   Cabbie: There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, could do everything right.
   Passenger: Wow, some guy then.
   Cabbie: He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back, even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished, too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.
   Passenger: An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?
   Cabbie: Well . . . I never actually met Frank. He died, and I married his wife.



A Girl Potato and Boy Potato had eyes for each other. They got married, and had a little sweet potato which they called Yam.

Of course, they wanted the best for Yam, so when it was time, they told her about the facts of life. They warned her about going out and getting half-baked, so she wouldn't get accidentally mashed, and get a bad  name for herself like Hot Potato and end up with a bunch of tater tots. Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get her into the sack and make a rotten potato out of her! But on the other hand she wouldn't stay home and become a couch potato, either. She would get plenty of exercise so as not to be skinny like her Shoestring Cousins.

When she went off to Europe, Mr. And Mrs. Potato told Yam to watch out for the hard-boiled guys from Ireland, as well as the greasy guys from France called the French Fries.

And when she went out West she was warned to watch out for the Indians so she wouldn't get scallopedYam said she would stay on the straight and narrow and wouldn't associate with those high class Yukon Golds, or the ones from the other side of the tracks who advertise their trade on all the trucks that say "Frito Lay".

Mr. And Mrs. Potato sent Yam to Idaho P.U. (that's Potato University ) so that when she graduated she'd really be in the chips. But in spite of all they did for her, one day Yam came home
and announced she was going to marry Tom Brokaw.

Tom Brokaw!?!

Mr. and Mrs. Potato were very upset. They told Yam she couldn't possibly marry Tom Brokaw because he's just...

Are you ready for this?

Are you sure?

Okay!

Here it is!

A COMMONTATER



     A young blonde woman was driving through the Florida Everglades while on vacation. She wanted to take home a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the young Blonde declared, "Well then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of shoes for free!"
     The shopkeeper said with a sly smile, "Well, little lady, why don't you go on and give it a try?" so the blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator.
     Later in the day, as the shopkeeper was driving home, he spotted the same young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, with a gun in her hand. As he brought his car to a stop, he saw a huge nine-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning reflexes, the blonde took aim, shot the creature and hauled it up onto the slippery bank. Nearby were seven more dead gators, all lying belly up. The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement.
     The blonde struggled mightily and managed to flip the gator onto its back. Rolling her eyes heavenward, she screamed in frustration, "DAMMIT! This one's barefoot, too!"



     The new bride arose on the first morning in her new home after the honeymoon, and happily prepared breakfast for her husband. When he made his way into the kitchen, she cheerfully handed him a plate loaded with crisply-fried bacon, hot buttered toast, and two fried eggs. The eggs she had prepared easy-over, exactly as she had seen him order repeatedly in restaurants.
The new bride arose on the first morning in her new home after the honeymoon, and happily prepared breakfast for her husband. When he made his way into the kitchen, she cheerfully handed him a plate loaded with crisply-fried bacon, hot buttered toast, and two fried eggs. The eggs she had prepared easy-over, exactly as she had seen him order repeatedly in restaurants.
     "I didn't want fried eggs," the sleepy husband growled at her with a surprising lack of appreciation for her efforts.
     Undaunted, the young bride prepared him another breakfast the next morning. The only exception this time was that she scrambled his eggs instead of frying them. Surely that would make him happy.
     "I didn't want scrambled eggs," the ornery grumpus complained this time.
     With dogged determination, on the third morning she once again prepared a large breakfast. This time, planning in advance to leave no room for complaint, she fried one egg and then scrambled a second one. Both of these she put on her husband's plate.
      "What is this!?" he asked as soon as she placed the steaming-hot food in front of him.
      "It's your breakfast, Darling," she answered, smiling sweetly at him.
      "But what's wrong with my eggs?" he asked, still in as much of an unpleasant mood as on the earlier mornings.
      "There's nothing wrong with your eggs, Dear. First you told me that you didn't want the fried eggs I fixed for you. Then you told me you didn't want the scrambled eggs I cooked after that. Today I decided that I would fry one of your eggs and scramble the other one. That way I would be sure to have at least one of them done like you want them."
     "Well, they're still not like I want them," he criticized. "Neither one of them is right."
     "How can you say that," she asked in flustered confusion. "One of them has to be right!"
     "Nope," he stated flatly. "You scrambled the wrong egg."

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GOD HAS A SENSE OF HUMOR

     A woman received a call that her daughter was sick. She stopped by the pharmacy to get medication, got back to her car and found that she had locked her keys inside. She woman found an old rusty coat hanger left on the ground, looked at it and thought, "I don't know how to use this." So she bowed her head and asked God to send her help.
     Within five minutes a beat-up old motorcycle pulled up, ridden by a bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag. The man got off of his cycle and asked if he could help. 

     "Yes, my daughter is sick. I've locked my keys in my car and I must get home. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?" 
     "Sure." He walked over to the car, and in less than a minute the door was open. 
     She hugged the man and through tears said, "Thank You SO Much! You are a very nice man." 
     "Lady, I am NOT a nice man," he told her. "I just got out of prison yesterday. I was locked up for car theft." 
     The woman hugged the man again sobbing, "Oh, thank you, God! You even sent me a Professional!"

_________________________________

   The young bride beamed with pride as she began making preparations for cooking her first Sunday dinner.  Her loving husband sat at the kitchen table, watching in admiration as she set about with apparent confidence.  It was not until she was working on the hickory-smoked ham that he voiced a single hint of question.  He couldn't figure out why she took the time and effort to meticulously work at removing the shank end of the ham, and then discard it.  There was, in his mind, no logical explanation for such action.
    "My love, why did you just throw that part of the meat away?  I never saw anyone do that to a ham before."
    "Oh, I don't know why, but that's what my mother has always done.  I have always seen her do this, and I just do it like she does."
     "You mean she never told you any specific reason?"
     "No, she just always does it."
    "Well, I'm just going to ask her about that the next time I see her!"
   Sure enough, the young man remembered his promise, and when the newlyweds made a visit to her parents' home a few days later he approached his mother-in-law.
   "Mom, I want to ask you something.  The other day we had a ham for dinner, and before she cooked it my lovely wife disposed of the shank portion.  When I asked her why she did that, her only explanation was that she was simply doing something she had always seen you do.  Can you tell me why you would always throw away that part of the meat?"
   "That's strange," the mother-in-law answered.  "I never really gave it much thought.  It was something I always saw my mother doing all the years I was growing up at home, and I just continued to follow her example when I married and began doing my own cooking."
   The bridegroom was really getting puzzled about this now, and vowed that he would next ask the grandmother about it.  This he did when the were visiting in her home a few days later.
   "Granny, I need to ask you a question.  For our first dinner that my beautiful bride prepared, we had a delicious smoked ham.  She got me to wondering about it, though, when she removed and discarded the shank end of the meat before she cooked it.  When I asked her about it, she could only explain that this was the way she had always seen her mother do it, and had thus followed suit.  The other day we were visiting her mom, and I asked her if she would explain the reason for taking this action.  Her response was that she was just doing what she had always seen you do before you would cook a ham.  Can you tell me why you would always throw away a portion of what seems like perfectly good meat to me?"
   "Of course I can," the old lady cackled with laughter.  "You see, I never had a roasting pan that was quite large enough to hold the size hams I always cooked for my family.  I started cutting off that little end piece dozens of years ago for the simple reason that when I left it on it wouldn't fit in my pan!"
   Hence, we must be careful to understand more about why we do some of the things we do!  There is a risk that in simply following tradition (or the example of others) we might just be doing something that is completely unnecessary ... or, perhaps, even wrong.
   REMEMBER: A long-term habit of not thinking a thing wrong, gives it a superficial appearance of being right!


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A cowboy lost his bible while out riding the range. This grieved him a lot because this was the Bible his parents had given him. A few days later, while far out on the range, a cow came up to him carrying the Bible in her mouth. The cowboy took it, shouted for joy and exclaimed, " It's a miracle!"

"Not really," said the cow,"Your name was in it."



Once upon a time there was a minister and wife who were about to retire from the full-time pastoral ministry and travel to the orient where they would do volunteer work as overseas missionaries.  Addressing the congregation that he was about to leave, this father of three adult children and grandfather to several younger offspring, left with these parting words:
Mother and I are looking forward to our travels in the east.  During our preparations we have learned that one in every four babies born world-wide today are of Asian descent.  We have discussed this together and already decided that if we should chance to have that fourth child while we are on this journey, it could only be logical to call that child by one name...
Wot Wen Wong!? 

______________


The Expectant Blonde

     The blonde housewife was ecstatic as she met her husband in the driveway upon his return from work.  Jumping up and down in excitement, she called out to him before he was even out of the car all the way.
     "Honey! Honey!  I have some really GREAT news for you!"
     "Wonderful!" he said with enthusiasm, fired by the intensity of her unaccustomed joy.  Eager to hear what could cause such excitement, he begged, "Go ahead and tell me what you're so happy about!"
     She was breathing heavily from all her jumping around and running as she told him joyously that she had just learned they were soon to be blessed with their first child--she was pregnant. This was something they had been trying for some time to accomplish, so the husband was immediately as ecstatic as she.  He dropped his briefcase and pulled her into his arms for a long kiss.  When he finally pulled away, he told her how wonderful this news was, and how happy it had made him, too.
     "But, Honey, there's more," she began.
     "More?" his voice held an understandable question.
     "Well, we're not going to have just one baby," she exclaimed.  "We're going to have TWINS!" Confused at how she could possibly know this so soon after learning that she was pregnant, he asked for further explanation.
     "Oh, that was the easy part," she beamed.  "You see, Wal-Mart had a special on the twin-pack home pregnancy test, so I bought that.  When I got home I took BOTH of them...and they both came out POSITIVE!"

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A Quiz for Folks Who Know Everything

This is a quiz for people who know everything! I found out in a hurry that I didn't. These are not trick questions. They are straight questions with straight answers.

 1. Name the one sport in which neither the spectators nor the participants know the score or the leader until the contest ends. 

 2. What famous North American landmark is constantly moving backward? 

 3. Of all vegetables, only two can live to produce on their own for several growing seasons. All other vegetables must be replanted every year. What are the only two perennial vegetables? 

 4. Name the only sport in which the ball is always in possession of the team on defense, and the offensive team can score without touching the ball? 

 5. What fruit has its seeds on the outside? 

 6. In many liquor stores, you can buy pear brandy, with a real pear inside the bottle. The pear is whole and ripe, and the bottle is genuine; it hasn't been cut in any way. How did the pear get inside the bottle? 

 7. Only three words in standard English begin with the letters "dw", and 
they are all common words. Name two of them. 

 8. There are 14 punctuation marks in English grammar. Can you name at least half of them? 

 9. Where are the lakes that are referred to in the Los Angeles Lakers? 

10. There are seven ways a baseball player can legally reach first base without getting a hit. Taking a base on balls (a walk) is one way. Name the other six. 

11. Name the only vegetable or fruit that is never sold frozen, canned, processed, cooked, or in any other form except fresh. 

12. Name six or more things that you can wear on your feet beginning with the letter "S".

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Answers To Quiz: 

 1. The one sport in which neither the spectators nor the participants know the score or the leader until the contest ends ... boxing.

 2. North American landmark constantly moving backward ... Niagara Falls (The rim is worn down about two and a half feet each year because of the millions of gallons of water that rush over it every minute.) 

 3. Only two vegetables that can live to produce on their own for several growing seasons ... asparagus and rhubarb

 4. The only sport in which the ball is always in possession of the team on defense, and the offensive team can score without touching the ball ... baseball

 5. The fruit with its seeds on the outside ... strawberry

 6. How did the pear get inside the brandy bottle? It grew inside the bottle. (The bottles are placed over pear buds when they are small, and are wired in place on the tree. The bottle is left in place for the entire growing season. When the pears are ripe, they are snipped off at the stems.) 

 7. Three English words beginning with "dw" ... dwarf, dwell, and dwindle

 8. Fourteen punctuation marks in English grammar ... period, comma, colon, semicolon, dash, hyphen, apostrophe, question mark, exclamation point, quotation marks, brackets, parenthesis, braces, and ellipses.

 9. The original lakes referred to in Lakers ... in Minnesota. (The team was originally known as the Minneapolis Lakers, and kept the name when they moved west.) 

10. Seven ways a baseball player can legally reach first base without getting a hit ... 1) taking a base on balls (a walk); 2) batter hit by a pitch; 3) passed ball; 4) catcher interference; 5) catcher drops third strike; 6) fielder's choice; and 7) being designated as a pinch-runner. 

11. The only vegetable or fruit never sold frozen, canned, processed, cooked, or in any other form but fresh ... lettuce

12. Six or more things you can wear on your feet beginning with "" ... shoes, socks, stilettos, sandals, sneakers, slippers, skis, skates, snowshoes, stockings, stilts.



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¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯\)¯¯¯¯¯'\_„„„„\)

THE SENILITY PRAYER

   Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,

the good fortune to run into the ones I do,

and the eyesight to tell the difference.